Don't Even BLOGGER Intro

Oh hiya easy breezy beautiful cover girls and smooth sexy handsome Coverboys (I made the Coverboy one up obviously). So because I can smell sex on legs from a mile away and I have a hawk eye for the best style amidst a crowd of thousands that can rarely be stopped (normally only by conjunctivitis) it only makes sense that I can spot the bad as well. By god there is HELLA LOADS of bad fashion that is waiting for me to stop in its tracks. So my blogs entitled 'Don't Even Blogger' are for you blog viewers and I will thus hand out advice and name and shame each week things for you guys to cautiously avoid. Each week it will be one or more of these beauties listed below:

• 2 items (one for girls & one for boys)
• one person
• one place
• one shop
• one word/ phrase / saying.

So..... lets jump right fucking on it like a tramp on chips (yes I love this saying).

A prick on legs, no sorry Mugs

Guys, Don't Even Blogger wearing- Ugg Boots for Men, or as I like to call them 'Man Uggs' a.k.a MUGGS. Uggs are only just fashionable enough for women to wear, I mean think of any high end high street designer you may own and if any items would ever go with a pair of Uggs. Karen Miller? NO Armani? NO Hollister? NO All Saints? NO Vivienne Westwood? HELL TO THE FUCKING NO Jack Wills? Only if you wanted to be burnt at the stake Primark? YES - oh wait, Primark is shit and to be honest the few beauties you do find in Primark should never be paired with these furry devilish whole things that are supposedly called boots. Ugg Boots honestly, they literally look like dead rabbits turned inside-out, with less blood and less style (rabbits have style).

One of Jade's more questionable looks

Don't Even Blogger Disrespecting - Jade Cole - For all y'all ANTM haters Jade Cole is by far the most prolific and well known ANTM contestant ever, so it was no surprise that she was asked to star in the 17th Cycle Al-Star Addition, now i love a girl who say 'what you see is what you get' & 'don't judge a book by its cover' straight after one another, a girl who has has no clear concept of the English language, a woman who doesn't understand what a question is and a woman who can distinguish between America's Next Top Model & America's next Top Best Friend (not a TV show). However I was sooo disappointed  to find out draggalicious Jade wouldn't be returning. Jade should not be named and shamed however respected, because as posted on her twitter her reasons included the 'bogus contract' Ken Mok and the ANTM producers were offering Jade for cycle 17, so unlike the way the show may have been edited we now see Jade had integrity (on some levels) and restraint (on few levels) and will not be returning for cycle 17 =(. I have provided a hilarious tribute of Jade here for you to watch and see what we are missing out on for Cycle 17.

The 6th Circle of Hell

Don't Even Blogger Shopping in - Mountain Warehouse - Lets keep this short and sweet, I thought this was bloody obvious, we all know Mountain Warehouse clothes is like a Drag Queens version of 'Single Ladies' - when I asked one of our girls to flyer (For Jack Wills) the guy opposite at Mountain Warehouse tried to dignity a flirt, my poor Jack Will's employee is so lucky she didn't spontaneously projectile vomit, to be fair, Mountain Warehouse was not the main reason, he was uggers (uggers as in butt ugly not some sorta chavish slang for your most unfashionable friend who constantly wears Ugg boots). You only need to shop her for camping gear, for when you go to hills, farms and woods.. speaking of woods (no this is not the part of the blog with inappropriate x-rated images....)

Don't Even Blogger Saying - Your Neck Of The Woods - Personally I think it makes absolutely NO sense, 'neck' in a woods, if the saying was 'In Your Bottle Neck Place Thing' I think in actual fact there would be more coherence. Also it angers me more so when fat people use this saying, if you are going to say 'my neck of the woods' I think your going to need a neck, 20 chins just doesn't cut it. I just think this saying is for the dim witted, so please when your in my neck of the woods refrain for saying this.

So that conclude this weeks addition. So just Don't Even Blogger with Everything Mentioned! :D Peace y'all, stay safe (a.k.a Away from London, Manchester, Wolverhampton, Kent - everyone is rioting).

So you wanna be a flop?

As this blog progresses, you'll see one pattern, ANTM a.k.a America's Next Top Model (not to be confused with Afghanistan's Next Top Model). And Tyra Banks decided to switch it up for the 17th cycle (cycle: apparently that's a fierce word for series). Well TyTy was desperately loosing viewers and since The Tyra Show stopped she has no excuse for doing the same thing with slightly weirder girls for the seventeenth time, so why not do a bit of recycling... this time instead of doing it through a economical stretch hummer made out of cans and hair weave Tyra has struck genius. She is recycling the girls!

So yup the biggest bitches and best ugly pretty girls are back, 14 girls from the previous 16 cycles are battling it out for the biggest yet probably the shittest prizes yet : a spread in Vogue Italia, a $100,000 contract with Covergirl, a campaign with some unheard of agency and that's it (so yes Tyra says the biggest prizes - but it seems like the same ones with shitter packaging). So to go with TyTy's shit prizes, and same shit judges (although Nicki Minaj makes one strange guest judge appearance on the basis that she is fashionable for having a new weave or wig every week), and probably shit challenges, shit layout, shit camera angles she will spend the whole budget of the show on a new 'Title Sequence' with the 14 girls, so there is an enjoyable 30 seconds of each hour episode.

But let's cut to the chase, the 14 AMAZING GIRLS.... who with no sarcastic undertone at all have great model potential... so I have decided, again in a very scientific way to rate the 14 girls just as Tyra and the other judges do - not at all on modelling potential but on how 'fierce' they are (as in how liked they will be) and how they can 'smize' (apparently smiling with the eyes, a good way to perfect this is to be infected by the early stages of conjunctivitis).
So starting with Numbero Quatorze and the worst girl of this bi-cycle.

14. Dominique Reighard - Cycle 10 - 4th - I don't know whats more shocking, the fact she has a second chance or the fact she came 4th first time round, she is by far the manliest contestant which is hard to believe as one of her competition was actually a man (Isis King). But she did produce one half decent photo which I have included, after all lets not add insult to injury, she knows shes thicker than Marc Jacobs abs and about as manly as them too.  Not only that the photo I have chosen is one that looks semi believable as something a real model might actually have to do when selling jewelery.

Brittany

Dominique

13. Brittany Brower - Cycle 4 - 4th - At the time of the 4 uni-cycle  (2005) Brittany was called the over sex girl who liked shouting out and taking her clothes off alot, her major critique was that she looked like a young Janice Dickinson, sadly 6 years on now she just looks like a an old Janice Dickinson, however she was great fun, and at any given moment will prove to be a huge slut, like the photo provided of her, looks graceful don't it? In fact they girls had to make there own outfit from their surrounding, which for Brittany was an excuse to pleasure herself in mud. 

12. Lisa D'Amato - Cycle 5 - 6th - The clown which named some shrubbery 'cousin it' and the girl notoriously named 'alcoholic bitch' by one of the other girls mainly because she was an 'alcoholic bitch.' Her looks are pretty hideous but no doubt Nigel Barker will love 'the planes of her cheek bones' which obviously is the most important factor in becoming a model, she is slightly more famous than the rest though for going on some other reality TV show, however 'Reality Celebrity Rehab' wasn't the best platform for a modelling career. (Also all her pictures were awful so I'm dignifying her with one!) 

11. Laura Kirkpatrick - Cycle 13 - 2nd - Laura was one of those random short girls because TyTy thinks 'if Kate Moss can do it other short girls can' in reality there are 2.5 billion women under 5''9 that haven't made it as a super model... so Kate moss is probably an exception. The other thing about Laura? Her sun burn made her look like she had leprosy - MODELISHOUS!

10. Camille McDonald - Cycle 2 - 5th - The girl most likely to be chucked out the house for being a raggedy bitch - expect her to flaunt her Z list fame and look like an idiot nobody.

Camille

Laura

Shannon

9. Shannon Stewart - Cycle 1 - 2nd - Before Nigel, Before Smize, Before H2T Posing... there was Shannon, and now... she's fucking old and probably has no chance of winning.... isn't she like 30 and married?

8. Kayla Ferrell - Cycle 15 - 4th - She is a lesbian, so TyTy will keep her in to show that she loves the rug munchers as well as the gays, she does have a lot of potential but cries a lot and calls references to the fact she is a huge lezzer constantly.

7. Bre Scullark - Cycle 5 - 3rd - WHO STOLE MY GRANOLA BARS - Something that will surely be mentioned every episode because she goes fucking mental over her food.

6. Isis King - Cycle 11- 10th - (S)he is the girl who was seen in the background on cycle 10, (S)he has true knowledge of modeling and itsn't a total crack whore, (S)he is will finally be using tit tap on her boobs rather than to tap her cock in place, because thats right, Isis used to be a man (Where the fuck do you find them Tyra!)

Bre

Isis

Kayla

5. Alexandria Everett - Cycle 16 - 4th - She likes to pout way to much and will have most fans throwing there low fat yogurt at the t.v. but she is personally a favourite, she has the potential and the editing is probably done to make her look completely insane, the fact she is young means she will hopefully get somewhere!

4. Bianca Golden - Cycle 9 - 4th - She got in fight with the fat girl from Hairspray, this makes her semi famous, She also had to shave her hair all off and is completely 'hood' and 'ghetto' - Lets leave her in for a while as hopefully she will stir things up and come on top as the most bitchiest.

3. Angelea Preston - Cycle 14 - 3rd - She tried out for Cycle 12 and failed, and then she just missed out from the finals of Cycle 14, but lets not forget to mention the more important details including her 'bitch please' look which she constantly gives, she looks a bit like a rat on crack but she obviously wants to be a model and will probably stay in because TyTy loves helping the project (project - that's the ghetto by the way).

Alexandria

Bianca

Angelea

2. Allison Harvard - Cycle 12 - 2nd - Allison is the most likely to actually win, she in most fans eyes got the title stolen away from her (from Teyona who looked like a bulimic Grace Jones) . She looks like a bird, enjoys nose bleeds and looks like a porcelain doll, what isn't there to like?

1. Sheena Sakai - Cycle 11 - 5th - Hey Gurllllll! So yes she is Asian but speaks like a black girl from LA, she is easily my favourite as she has had a huge boob job and can only do overly sexy poses, will she win? Hell to the fucking no, but lets hope she stays in for some time as her one liners and awkwardness come across hilarious!!
So there you go, the girls in the All-Star season are mainly the biggest bitch or weirdo from each series, chuck a couple of guys ion there and it will be big brother! Let me know who you want to win, or who has any chance of winning (not that they will get any success from it)! :D

Allison

Sheena

All my hairy ladies, Now raise your brows up!

Armpits, Legs, Tash, Privates and for some of you hairy weirdos Hands, well you can now leave Eyebrows off that list. Brooke Shield's face has gone from a beaut to a mouldy mango with two slugs fighting to get to the core so here is your chance to take her place!

Brooke Shield in her prime, look at those brows!

It's 2011, so seriously let your brows grow wild, with the Bohemian Apocalyptic Woman taking over the fashion world who would even consider that she has time to pluck those brows? (Probably only Katie Price). Summer is drawing to a close so a definite style to be floating around for the next few months is the thick brow, a timeless beauty trick because to be honest pencil thin or tattooed brows have always been a train wreck. A thin brow is only complimented by a McKenzie tracksuit, a thick brow gives the impression of "I could thread, wax and pluck 'em but you and your hairy mono-brow can fuck off if you think I am going to."

A nicely shaped brow doesn't mean a thin one, and there are easy steps to follow to pull off a successful full brow just as many supermodels are currently doing so! 

A great example is from Fernanda Tavares, a current face for Dolce & Gabbana, how do you spell Gabbana? (if you don't know what film that is from just get out). Fernanda Tavares has thick brows yet definite shape to her brows, STEP 1 - KEEP THE SHAPE - Tavares shows the importance of keeping ones brow shape, you don't wanna look like you have two Tetris oblongs on your face, so let your brows grow out so that when you next come round to plucking you can keep the same shape yet have more to work with thus making them thicker, see that isn't so hard is it?

Notice the Spanish for 'Very Sexy' is 'Very Sexy'

Pay attention to the brow! Not the bra it's hideous.

STEP TWO - Secure a front cover and six page spread of Mexican Vogue so everyone believes big brows are sexy, cool and modern. I'm joking of course, (although if you could do this it would be a bonus), if sadly you are not the long lost twin of supermodel Ali Michael the next step is to make sure your complimenting your hair, makeup and clothing - Big brows does not work for everyone! Having big brows and keeping them sexy yet chic can be difficult for blondes, red heads and light hair tones, this is because its difficult to have a big brow that stands out with a difference. There is nothing wrong with a blonde using some brow liner pencils (I'm not suggesting a brand of brow liner because frankly that 45 year old orange leather skinned woman on your local Clinique counter gets paid for it). Just keep it at a light coverage for lighter skin tones and obviously get the correct shade (I'm talking to you Nicola Roberts). Also consider what your personal style is, if you enjoy lots of floral print (snoring!) your probably going to want to stay with your under-achiever regular brows, big brows are complimented by colour blocking, layering, faux fur outerwear, bohemian, punk rock &  mod styles and sleek and chic evening wear.

STEP THREE - The first time you let your eye brows grow out I would recommend threading (plucking is semi-acceptable if your a poor ho), threading for the first time helps give the brows shape and definition, painful as is apparently is, it also is done from the perspective of a professional and someone who hasn't seen your brows when they looked like really long pubic hairs, therefore the threader can keep them thick and give you tips on how to pluck them effectively.

STEP FOUR - Before you jump outside to show your social circle your new brows like a tramp on chips, make sure you are confident and have followed the 3 completely scientifically accurate steps above! You don't wanna look like Megan Fox after the surgery!

So that's one less thing for you to maintain as obviously you can let them get as hairy as fuck whilst you grow them out! And below I have also included a picture of uber annoying Cycle 3271 (a.k.a 14) America's Next Top Model contestant Raina Hein who has some spectacular big defined eye brows.

100% Hideous - Nicola Roberts

My lips look like they are made out of foreskins, but look at my brows!

If your wondering, no Raina didn't win.

Enjoy your brows hairy gurl! And who knows maybe next year a full fledged bush will be on the cards as the new fashion craze!