So you wanna be a flop?

As this blog progresses, you'll see one pattern, ANTM a.k.a America's Next Top Model (not to be confused with Afghanistan's Next Top Model). And Tyra Banks decided to switch it up for the 17th cycle (cycle: apparently that's a fierce word for series). Well TyTy was desperately loosing viewers and since The Tyra Show stopped she has no excuse for doing the same thing with slightly weirder girls for the seventeenth time, so why not do a bit of recycling... this time instead of doing it through a economical stretch hummer made out of cans and hair weave Tyra has struck genius. She is recycling the girls!

So yup the biggest bitches and best ugly pretty girls are back, 14 girls from the previous 16 cycles are battling it out for the biggest yet probably the shittest prizes yet : a spread in Vogue Italia, a $100,000 contract with Covergirl, a campaign with some unheard of agency and that's it (so yes Tyra says the biggest prizes - but it seems like the same ones with shitter packaging). So to go with TyTy's shit prizes, and same shit judges (although Nicki Minaj makes one strange guest judge appearance on the basis that she is fashionable for having a new weave or wig every week), and probably shit challenges, shit layout, shit camera angles she will spend the whole budget of the show on a new 'Title Sequence' with the 14 girls, so there is an enjoyable 30 seconds of each hour episode.

But let's cut to the chase, the 14 AMAZING GIRLS.... who with no sarcastic undertone at all have great model potential... so I have decided, again in a very scientific way to rate the 14 girls just as Tyra and the other judges do - not at all on modelling potential but on how 'fierce' they are (as in how liked they will be) and how they can 'smize' (apparently smiling with the eyes, a good way to perfect this is to be infected by the early stages of conjunctivitis).
So starting with Numbero Quatorze and the worst girl of this bi-cycle.

14. Dominique Reighard - Cycle 10 - 4th - I don't know whats more shocking, the fact she has a second chance or the fact she came 4th first time round, she is by far the manliest contestant which is hard to believe as one of her competition was actually a man (Isis King). But she did produce one half decent photo which I have included, after all lets not add insult to injury, she knows shes thicker than Marc Jacobs abs and about as manly as them too.  Not only that the photo I have chosen is one that looks semi believable as something a real model might actually have to do when selling jewelery.

Brittany

Dominique

13. Brittany Brower - Cycle 4 - 4th - At the time of the 4 uni-cycle  (2005) Brittany was called the over sex girl who liked shouting out and taking her clothes off alot, her major critique was that she looked like a young Janice Dickinson, sadly 6 years on now she just looks like a an old Janice Dickinson, however she was great fun, and at any given moment will prove to be a huge slut, like the photo provided of her, looks graceful don't it? In fact they girls had to make there own outfit from their surrounding, which for Brittany was an excuse to pleasure herself in mud. 

12. Lisa D'Amato - Cycle 5 - 6th - The clown which named some shrubbery 'cousin it' and the girl notoriously named 'alcoholic bitch' by one of the other girls mainly because she was an 'alcoholic bitch.' Her looks are pretty hideous but no doubt Nigel Barker will love 'the planes of her cheek bones' which obviously is the most important factor in becoming a model, she is slightly more famous than the rest though for going on some other reality TV show, however 'Reality Celebrity Rehab' wasn't the best platform for a modelling career. (Also all her pictures were awful so I'm dignifying her with one!) 

11. Laura Kirkpatrick - Cycle 13 - 2nd - Laura was one of those random short girls because TyTy thinks 'if Kate Moss can do it other short girls can' in reality there are 2.5 billion women under 5''9 that haven't made it as a super model... so Kate moss is probably an exception. The other thing about Laura? Her sun burn made her look like she had leprosy - MODELISHOUS!

10. Camille McDonald - Cycle 2 - 5th - The girl most likely to be chucked out the house for being a raggedy bitch - expect her to flaunt her Z list fame and look like an idiot nobody.

Camille

Laura

Shannon

9. Shannon Stewart - Cycle 1 - 2nd - Before Nigel, Before Smize, Before H2T Posing... there was Shannon, and now... she's fucking old and probably has no chance of winning.... isn't she like 30 and married?

8. Kayla Ferrell - Cycle 15 - 4th - She is a lesbian, so TyTy will keep her in to show that she loves the rug munchers as well as the gays, she does have a lot of potential but cries a lot and calls references to the fact she is a huge lezzer constantly.

7. Bre Scullark - Cycle 5 - 3rd - WHO STOLE MY GRANOLA BARS - Something that will surely be mentioned every episode because she goes fucking mental over her food.

6. Isis King - Cycle 11- 10th - (S)he is the girl who was seen in the background on cycle 10, (S)he has true knowledge of modeling and itsn't a total crack whore, (S)he is will finally be using tit tap on her boobs rather than to tap her cock in place, because thats right, Isis used to be a man (Where the fuck do you find them Tyra!)

Bre

Isis

Kayla

5. Alexandria Everett - Cycle 16 - 4th - She likes to pout way to much and will have most fans throwing there low fat yogurt at the t.v. but she is personally a favourite, she has the potential and the editing is probably done to make her look completely insane, the fact she is young means she will hopefully get somewhere!

4. Bianca Golden - Cycle 9 - 4th - She got in fight with the fat girl from Hairspray, this makes her semi famous, She also had to shave her hair all off and is completely 'hood' and 'ghetto' - Lets leave her in for a while as hopefully she will stir things up and come on top as the most bitchiest.

3. Angelea Preston - Cycle 14 - 3rd - She tried out for Cycle 12 and failed, and then she just missed out from the finals of Cycle 14, but lets not forget to mention the more important details including her 'bitch please' look which she constantly gives, she looks a bit like a rat on crack but she obviously wants to be a model and will probably stay in because TyTy loves helping the project (project - that's the ghetto by the way).

Alexandria

Bianca

Angelea

2. Allison Harvard - Cycle 12 - 2nd - Allison is the most likely to actually win, she in most fans eyes got the title stolen away from her (from Teyona who looked like a bulimic Grace Jones) . She looks like a bird, enjoys nose bleeds and looks like a porcelain doll, what isn't there to like?

1. Sheena Sakai - Cycle 11 - 5th - Hey Gurllllll! So yes she is Asian but speaks like a black girl from LA, she is easily my favourite as she has had a huge boob job and can only do overly sexy poses, will she win? Hell to the fucking no, but lets hope she stays in for some time as her one liners and awkwardness come across hilarious!!
So there you go, the girls in the All-Star season are mainly the biggest bitch or weirdo from each series, chuck a couple of guys ion there and it will be big brother! Let me know who you want to win, or who has any chance of winning (not that they will get any success from it)! :D

Allison

Sheena